Mesaana's story
by Myranya
Summary: Mesaana as she could have been -for more info see the intro!
1. Introduction

When I read Mesaana's description in the Guide, I instantly liked her. A scientist at heart, sensible, practical, her territories run in a practical, organized manner too. She would be a strong foe, someone who was a true challenge and would not be defeated by her own stupidity. Unfortunately, that was the Guide, and I was greatly disappointed by the way she was written in the actual series. Where was her good sense? Where were her carefully made plans? She was as rash, careless, anger-driven as the other Forsaken, perhaps more so. She allows the Tower to fall into chaos where the Black Ajah is hunted, she can only save herself in the Black Ajah purge and all the rest have to flee -even those who would easily be strong enough to learn one of the methods Seaine comes up with to defeat the Oath Rod. She had already pretty much lost control of Elaida. She pushes Alviarin to her breaking point and beyond. She tries to capture Egwene in Tel'aranrhiod using an a'dam, even though she is not one of the strongest within the World of Dreams by far and Mesaana *should* at some point have learned Egwene is a natural Dreamwalker and trained by the Aiel. No, just no. That level of incompetence does *not* fit her.

Perhaps my version of Mesaana does not fit what most people think of the Forsaken either, selfish and arrogant and 100% evil, but I think her background as it is written in the Guide can not be all correct. The line 'Mesaana turned to the Dark Lord because she was not the best in her profession' is, excuse my language, total bullshit. That's what Demandred did, he was second in command to Lews Therin, second only, and it was not enough. Same for Sammael, who held high command and still was jealous, although his belief the Shadow would win played a part as well. For Mesaana, she was not allowed a position as a researcher at the Collam Daan *at all*. The Collam Daan, the biggest university in an advanced, prosperous, world-wide society. There must have been *hundreds* of scientists working there, if not a few thousand, counting all different departments. Dozens at least in whichever was Mesaana's chosen field. She was not the first assistant of a famous professor, she was not one of a team of researchers who was upset her name was listed second in the publications. None of that all. She was just a teacher, and apart from that first line *which is incorrect*, there is no indication she would have turned to the Dark Lord if she had been allowed a position in research as had been her life-long goal.

As for whether Mesaana truly was unfit for research, I can't help but think that is a bit strange and illogical too. She was allowed to work toward that goal for so long, she certainly did not do so alone. In a society where education is so well organized, where each and every person is encouraged to develop their talents to the max of their abilities, how could she work towards being a researcher for so long, only to be told when she actually applied to the Collam Daan that she was totally unfit for research, not just for a top position but not allowed in *at all*, at *any* level? Where were the teachers in her earlier schools, what about those she took lessons from as an older student? The only possibility is that she was told her dreams were not realistic at an early age, and she pushed on anyhow. She is described as 'hardheaded' but that does not fit the description of 'practical' and 'intelligent' that RJ himself also gave her. I believe she was wrongly denied a position, that would fit her character much better, would explain her extreme anger as well. And while it too depends on a flaw in the perfection of the Age of Legends, it makes more sense for Mesaana to run into a small flaw on the Collam Daan university board than to assume there was a constant stream of people who saw but did or said nothing, all through her different levels of education.

So this is my story of Mesaana and how she turned to the Dark Lord. She's not a nice person -what she does to those who wronged her is enough proof of that. But she is not wasteful, rash and careless as the rest. This story runs up to The Gathering Storm chapter 42. At that point, I think a few other things do not make sense in the actual series. The Black Ajah purge has more than a few plot holes in it, and I'm not just saying that because Sheriam is my favorite character. So from that point on, I've written an alternate universe story, where the Lord of the Grave does not fail to notice the arrival of a certain treacherous little snake, and Sheriam is not caught off-guard by something as simple as a few rapidly fired questions, just to name two (there's more, but I'll get to that in the author's notes there, and of course the story itself). I've worked the full story out for a length of more than a hundred pages, but I'm not quite done yet. For now, meet Mesaana as she could have been.

(Disclaimer: These characters and the entire Wheel of Time universe aren't mine. I just play here.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Mesaana's story.**

The Age of Legends was described as an idyllic Age, where each and every one, no matter what their background, had a chance to learn, develop their talents to their full potential, and take part in the great wealth and luxury the peaceful and stable society provided. A wondrous and legendary time indeed. Mesaana knew it was also a lie.

Even when she was very young she had been interested in how things worked, not just learning the facts but also wanting to know why things were like that. She had tested for the Power at an early age and found she could channel at twelve, and at that time she had decided she wanted to be a researcher.  
Her parents had encouraged her, even though they had been of little actual help, not having chosen for a high education themselves. But they found her a good school, where her teachers were supportive, giving her extra tasks to challenge her mind and always suggesting new reading material. She worked hard all through her years at school and after, taking lessons in history, anthropology, biology and especially One Power related fields at the Collam Daan, the very university that later betrayed her.

Her teachers there, too, had been supportive and encouraging, even though here the field was much stronger, and she was one among many capable students. Still she did well. She graduated second in her year, then kept using the library and taking evening courses, developing herself further. It had been one of her teachers at the university who had alerted her when a position in research opened up. Since those who could channel lived so long, it was a rare occurrence, and she jumped at the opportunity.

In spite of her education and university records, there were still more tests, two afternoons of written tests about theory, background and history of almost anything related to the One Power, and then an entire day of practical examination in one of the shielded laboratories so well known to her. She felt she did well on both, but she knew the other candidates would be strong contenders, and she had not been sure she would get the position. But she had been young, in her mid-fifties, and there was plenty of time yet.

Or there would have been. She had been fully prepared to get a letter telling her that the Board had chosen another candidate, but that she was encouraged to apply at a later time when the next position opened up, the whole blah blah that such letters contained and that, she knew, all but a few legendary scientists had received at least once before finally making it. Such were the disadvantages of living in a society in which most people who did obtain a position were able to hold it for five centuries or more.

What she hadn't been prepared for was the content of her rejection letter. "Unfit for research", that had been a total shock. And ridiculous. Convinced there had been some mistake, she had gone to the university, demanded to see the Dean, the faculty director, or to be allowed to see the results of her test, so at least she could know where she had gone wrong and learn from her failure.

When all she got was apologies, but no satisfactory explanation and no insight in the results of the tests, she had gone to her teachers. They had expressed shocked surprise and disbelief, but all they had offered was comfort and consoling. In spite of their surprise and her pleas, not a single one of them had challenged the board's decision or demanded to see the results of the tests. They apologized profusely for their own mistakes in allowing her to pursue an unattainable dream, for failing to see what the board had seen, but they would rather believe it was their own fault than to admit the Collam Daan, that solid institute of science and knowledge held in awe the world over, could possibly be wrong.

She begged and pleaded, ranted and raved, but to no avail. Finally, she grew numb and tired of the futility of her efforts, and she took the teaching position the board had offered her. That someone had actually acted out of malice, that thought had not even entered her head at the time.

For some years, she held hope that if she worked hard, the board would reconsider, and she might still have a chance when a new position opened up. But no matter how hard she worked, the next time a position became available she was not even allowed to apply. Now, her behavior after her previous denial was cited as proof of the board's decision. A blatant twisting of cause and effect, and with complete disregard to her hard work in the years in between. For the first time she felt that she was thwarted, not by some careless mistake but by something with more purpose, maliciously holding her back from what should have been hers. She could not think of a reason though, for in spite of her ambitions, she had applied herself to her studies and had not made any enemies that she knew of. There were no love affairs, no personal feuds, none except the one with the university board.

She applied to other, smaller universities, but all wanted to see her resume and even the most insignificant institute did not hire her. The word of the Collam Daan was law, if they deemed her unsuited for research, then so she was.

She could have switched careers entirely, perhaps she should have. Forget all about science and research, take on a position in trade or try her hand in the arts. But she just did not have the energy for that. She remained in her job as a teacher, for well over a century. Her moods varied, she went through periods of anger and periods of depression, times of self-doubt when she almost believed the board had been right after all, and times of numb acceptance when she just went to work every morning, taught her classes, graded papers and went to sleep at night, not allowing herself to think of another life.

And then the Bore was opened. For the first time in recent memory, greed, envy and hatred came out in the open. More people became dissatisfied with their position, and after some years, she was approached by a fellow teacher. A man of only average intelligence, he had far less reason to be dissatisfied with his position, but she had other reasons for listening to what he had to say. For the first time in all those years, someone not just agreed the board might have been mistaken about her capabilities, he actually _suggested_ it had wronged her.

She herself had been in one of her angry moods. The destruction of the Sharom, immediately overhead, and the deaths of all who had been in it at the time, had made a great impression on everyone at the university, including her. She realized that if she had been allowed to work as a researcher, chances were she would have been among the dead, and perhaps it was better to be alive as a teacher than dead as a scientist. Also, it was clear even in the early days that the opening of the Bore would change things. So she had at first resigned in her situation, then gone through a period of hope. No longer the only one to be openly unhappy, she felt marginally less alone and her situation was just a little easier to bear. But years had passed and in fact nothing did change in how the Collam Daan was ran, in spite of the increasing chaos all over the world, the Dean and the board made not a single change to the policies, staff structure or anything else of benefit to her. Her anger had grown again as the years went by.

When Tamar had come to her, told her he knew how unhappy she was and told her he believed the board had passed her over on purpose, she was ready to listen. Yes, first there had been disbelief, this time from herself, that anyone would even say such a thing. So hard had she tried to convince people when it had just happened, and so totally had they refused to look into it, to even consider the possibility, that it stunned her to meet someone who actually brought it up to her, even now. But he told her there had been many cases like hers, that the 'equal' opportunities their society boasted were all lies, and many people had been passed over in favor of those who simply had better connections. He invited her to join the Dark Lord, who would truly reward those who served him.

It was true, it had been the daughter of the Mayor of V'saine who had received that first position. But she had also been thirty years older than Mesaana, and at the time she had not considered that perhaps it was the woman's mother's position was what had landed her the job. To believe the university board had purposefully thwarted her was hard enough, to believe the Mayor of V'saine, the second greatest city, the place she shared the roots of her name with, was involved in the corruption, had been inconceivable. Had been, until now. With the opening of the Bore, her eyes were opened as well, and she believed, no, she knew what Tamar told her was the truth.

Even so, she did not follow him blindly. Until that moment, she had still believed in the values of her society outside the Collam Daan, as well as in her scientific methods, and some kind of proof was required. Late that very evening, after even the cleaning crew had left, she went to the university.

It was very easy to get in. Crime was so rare, while there were already Dreamspikes and other locking devises in use, those were mostly to keep people from coming in at an inopportune moment, or to keep random people from straying where they should not. She could Travel straight into one of the public area building itself, and while the offices were closed with a plain, manual lock, the tumblers fell when she did a little careful probing with a thin tendril of Air. Fortunately the office and personnel records had been kept on the ground floor, rather than in the Sharom.

The file cabinets did not have any further locks, and soon she was leafing through the folder that bore her name. She immediately found the written tests, filed chronologically on top, only her application predated it. Apparently the student records, even of those who worked at the university, were kept elsewhere. She looked them over and hissed as she saw her marks. A couple minor comments were written in the margin, but none negative, just minor, minor additions. An excellent 9.7 marked the last page. The examiner's notes from her practical test were just as good. Why then, why?

She leafed further into the file, but there were only the contracts and other papers pertaining to her position as a teacher. Nothing to show why she had been refused, and in such a final manner. She turned, leaned against the file cabinet and looked over the test papers again. And then she saw it. Held closer under the light, she saw the faint traces of letters, as if something had been written on a sheet of paper laying on top of her test. She went to the secretary's desk, switched on the desk light and tried to read what had been written.

It was hard to read, even though she now easily see several lines of text had been pressed into the paper. The Dean had a very strong hand, but most of the paper was covered in her own writing, which made it difficult to make out the words. She looked around in the desk drawers, found a soft pencil and rubbed lightly across the surface. It took a lot of time, taking care not to press down too hard, but slowly the words appeared. And there it was. It wasn't perfect, not all of it came out readable, but it was enough.

Adryan,  
As per the request of … Leilla Raliff… deny the position in f….. Neeta Jos… liffen. An excuse will have…be made… ur discretion. Please see to it that …. timely man…. inform Saine Tar..ind of this decision. -WRM

Anger coursed through her, anger hot enough she felt it burn in her veins. So it was true. Neeta Josan Raliffen was appointed in her place, at the request of her mother the Mayor. The Mayor of the city! What had she promised the Dean for this favor? And why had he not simply passed her over for this one position but allowed the recipient of the note -Adryan Donnel Terweyder, the assistant Dean in charge of faculty hiring- to make up an excuse 'at his discretion'? She still did not know all the answers, but she would find out, and she would make them pay. She carefully put the files back in the cabinet, all except the first page which she folded and put into her pocket, and left the office. As soon as she was in one of those parts of the building that were not warded against Travel, she opened a gateway straight to Shayol Ghul.

There, her request was not denied. She swore to the Great Lord, and several of his followers taught her what she needed to know. She learned fast, as always, and soon she had some followers of her own, a small group she led in whatever tasks she in turn got from higher up. Here her capabilities were valued, and she came up with several creative weaves that could be used in concealment, subterfuge, and plain, straightforward torture.

As she gained a higher position, she was left her with more time of her own, to do what she had wanted to do from the start. She stole a strong angreal that would help her hold those who were too strong for her to take on un-aided. Then late one night, some months after she had left the university -she never had gone back- she Traveled directly to the Dean's private home. Unraveling the wards -one of many useful things she had learned- she Traveled into the man's home and lifted him off his bed. She held him shielded, bound and gagged as she hauled him through another gateway to a heavily warded place nearby, which she had specifically prepared for the occasion. She would not be disturbed and there was no risk of anything being overheard by passers-by. Slamming the man onto his knees on the floor, she released only the gag.

"What, what is going on, what is this about?" he stammered.  
As an answer, Mesaana floated the first page of her test in front of him, the words of his note standing out in pencil.  
"This is what this is about," she said. "Now tell me why, what did you get from the Mayor that was worth my future, my entire life? Was it money, or some political favor, or did you trade my future for a position of one of your sons?"  
Welden Ron Mesjer had gone white in the face as he read the recovered notice. "Saine, I am sorry."  
She struck out with the Power, channeling a tiny thread of Fire directly into his spine. He convulsed, screamed.  
"It is too late for apologies, by more than a hundred years. I just want to know why."  
Gasping, he hung in the bonds of Air.  
"It was not for me personally. I wouldn't have done it for myself. Please believe me."  
"Then what?" she snapped.  
"It was, the entrance hall and the entire auditorium needed a new roof, and the city council did not want to provide the funds for it, not so soon after we had renovated the entire east wing."  
She lashed out with Air, hitting the man across the face.  
"A roof? A blasted roof? With the university as prosperous as it is, you did this for a blasted roof?" she asked, incredulously.  
"It, it wasn't always that prosperous. I may have, expanded a bit beyond our means," the Dean brought out. "Keeping the Sharom up was a constant drain on the university's resources, and then there was the library and the…"

He cut off into a scream as she channeled fire again. She really did not want to hear every detail of his bungling mismanagement, she had heard enough. Just because the university could not handle its finances, she had lost the position that should have been rightfully hers. It did not explain everything though.

"Why 'unfit for research'? Why not just pass me over that once?" she asked.  
"That was Adryan's doing, honestly, not mine. The marks of the test… had already been entered into the system, he did not know how to change them so he came up with something else. I did not know about that until you came to my office, I swear!"  
"And by then you could not come back on that decision, not even years later when other positions opened up," Mesaana said flatly.  
"I was afraid it'd come out. I was afraid you'd do well and people would question why the university had declared you unfit for research in the first place. As long as you were limited to teaching, you could not prove us wrong."  
"Except with this," Mesaana said. She floated the sheet of paper back to her hand and folded it. "I would advise you the next time you write a notice like this, to mind what is laying underneath. But there will be no next time, not for you."

She channeled again. With a sharp blade of spirit, she severed him from the Source, so she no longer had to hold the shield, had all flows free for whatever she decided to do next. She wasn't sure why she hadn't used the severing as soon as she had kidnapped him, had she really needed to wait until she had heard him confess? The note had been sufficient proof, written in his strong hand which allowed her to find it in the first place, and signed with his initials. Either way, he was cut off from the Source now. He gasped, called out for help in horror, then screamed as she wove other flows, more tendrils of Fire, Water to freeze the liquid in his guts, spirit to cramp his very brain.

Welden Ron Mesjer screamed, pleaded, begged, promised her anything in his power and a lot which he could not have given her without making more 'deals', but Mesaana did not listen. She made him scream, Healed him when necessary, and tortured him again, all through the night and the following day. Then she allowed him to sleep, and she started again in the morning. He lasted nine days before his heart gave out to the point where she could no longer start it up.

The faculty director was next. Certain of his part in the corruption, she severed him as she took him from his home, even as he pleaded and cried. As she asked him why he had given her such a permanently damaging mark on her record, keeping her from all future positions as well as the first, all he managed to say was that he hadn't thought of that. He hadn't thought of that. He thought of it a lot for the next five days.

The Mayor, who also still held her position, was harder to take. She was on the alert after the disappearance of the two men. But Saine was not yet named as a suspect in the disappearances, and Mayor Raliffen could not ask for official protection without people questioning her reasons, wondering about her connections with the two missing men. All she had done was taken private measures. A Dreamspike protected her home, and heavy wards were woven all around. Mesaana took her time, watched from a distance, and two days later had managed to spy out the code to the Dreamspike. It was simple after that.

The woman lasted almost as long as Welden had, and she too begged for forgiveness all through that time, or at least until her voice gave out. She had only wanted to help her daughter, had wanted to be proud of her daughter, as every mother would. Mesaana bit her lip as she thought of her own parents, long dead now as neither of them had been able to channel the One Power. As if they wouldn't have wanted to be proud of her. Not that they would be proud of what she was doing now, but they could not understand. How could those who only lived for a century and a half know what it felt like to be wronged for that long, with no end in sight if it had not been for the Bore?

The last Mesaana took was Neeta Josan, the daughter of the Mayor and the one who had all those years held the position that should have been hers. Still distraught by her mother's disappearance, the woman was easily caught off guard while she took a walk near the university grounds, alone!

Neeta Josan reacted in utter shock as she recognized Mesaana, then was even more stunned as Mesaana told her why she had kidnapped her. She insisted she knew nothing of her mother's deeds, and kept up that denial for the full three days. Mesaana did not consider letting her go. She hated the woman for her role in the entire affair, and if she had indeed been nothing but an ignorant pawn it made no difference. Or not much. Perhaps it was part of the reason why she was careless after only three days and let the gag choking the woman tied off too long, so she choked to death beyond Healing. And perhaps it was part of the reason she did not take the others by herself, but instead instructed others to kill her targets.

Part of the reason, for another part of it was that she had blown off a lot of anger in her revenge. There were those who claimed revenge did not work, could not truly relieve one's anger, but as far as Mesaana was concerned they did not know what they were talking about. She did feel better, much better, now that the people primarily responsible for her misery had paid the price.

Yes, there were others, the other members of the university board, who may not have been the architects of the corruption but had gone along with it, several members of the city council, who also had been well aware of the shady deal, and even some of her one-time teachers, who had been too spineless to stand up in her support. Even though her anger had abated, they too had been involved and would pay. But she did not take those to her hide-out, their level of involvement did not warrant such elaborate torture now her anger had cooled, and she simply lacked the time. She was not her own boss yet, had taken enough time off to pursue her revenge, and she was called in to tend to other matters. She instructed some of her followers, giving them the names of those who were to die.

Should she have foreseen what was about to happen? Her followers, armed with a list of names, a lot of eagerness to please, and only very limited knowledge of her real desires, had not stopped at those instructions. Instead, they had enthusiastically killed a number of scientists, researchers and librarians, as well as creating a blood bath at the town hall. They burned the city library, destroyed some of the shielded labs, and returned proud of what they had done.

Even then, maybe, maybe she could have stopped them, could instead have taken over the research facilities, libraries and all those other valuable resources that were left. It was questionable how long it would have lasted, and how much would have been spared in the end, because the Collapse was quite destructive even then and would become more so. Not to mention the actual War that came after. But perhaps something could have been saved and put to her own use. If she had been alone when her followers returned. She wasn't.

Instead, she had been with Ishamael. One of the first to join the Shadow, years before, he at that time stood far above her. And chaos and whole scale destruction was exactly what he liked. He greatly approved of what her followers had done, and she had to go along in praising them. When later she cautiously suggested that perhaps some things might be useful to them taken whole rather than destroyed, the suggestion was put down with so much force and even ridicule that she knew not to bring it up again. According to Elan Morin, nothing of the old order could possibly be useful, and to even suggest such a thing was a sign of weakness and lack of loyalty. She quickly ensured him that of course he was right, it had been a stupid idea, but in private, after he had left, she broke down and cried.

That had been the first time she had felt regret and guilt over what she had started, especially when the next day she learned Jazmyn was among the dead, a fellow teacher who was.. no, a friend was saying too much, she hadn't had any friends since those she had considered as such had let her down, but as close to one as she had allowed any to be. A practical woman she could work with, at the least.

The rest, as one says, is history. All that was even remotely related to science, research, the pursuit of knowledge, was destroyed. Mesaana learned to push the guilt away, used it to fuel her anger instead. She had no regret over those first killings, they had deserved it, but her anger grew each time some facility, some resource was destroyed that should have been hers.  
Time passed and the Collapse went on. Sometimes her anger at any individual acts of destruction lessened as she saw the chaos went far beyond hers or anyone else's control, and no matter what, she still thought of the change as a good thing. The perfect, idyllic society had been a lie, with spots of corruption hidden like bruises under the skin of an apple, pockets of rust underneath a layer of varnish, all the worse since those not affected by them could not or would not see them.

She worked her way up in the ranks of the followers of the Great Lord. She got territories to govern even before the outbreak of the War of the Power, and often she managed to restore a semblance of order, at least for a while. She set up schools were children were taught how to serve the Great Lord by manipulation, violence or spying but at least at first more mundane subjects were covered as well.

She sometimes worked with Rahvin, who shared her preference for efficiently run, orderly territories. But they were few among many, and no matter how well their territories did, others held rank as high or higher than they. Not in the last place Ishamael, who kept up his demands for destruction and chaos.

And there was Aginor. His Shadowspawn were useful in some ways, but at other times wrought as much havoc among their own people as among the forces of the Light. Take for example that ridiculous notion that his Trollocs must be fed human flesh. Mesaana did not mind giving him her prisoners, it was as good a way to get rid of them as any, and it was no weakness or compassion that made her dread his demands. But when there were not enough prisoners, something that happened regularly for his demands were ridiculously high and she had her people well in hand, he demanded citizens, regular, random citizens. She offered cattle, even more than he had asked, but was refused. As if the Trollocs cared what they ate, as some sort of spoiled gourmets! She fed the Trollocs under her command on sheep and cattle when there weren't any enemy prisoners and they did well enough on that. To feed them random citizens threatened the tight control she had on her people.

Where she ruled, her rule was harsh, she would be the first to admit that. Any who as much as took one step out of line was punished, often killed. But those who served her well were treated well, and could reach high rank. No matter what later sources would claim about her schools, any of those who applied themselves, showed promise, talent and loyalty, were rewarded, no matter what their background or appearance. Raymon Dannovan, the scrawny boy with one brown eye and one blue, and a limp from a birth defect that even the Restorers could not take away completely, was only one example. He grew up to govern one of her territories during the Collapse, then was her best general during the War.

Aginor's demands changed all that. Once her people learned that even if they were loyal to her and the Great Lord, they still risked getting caught in one of the harvesting raids, unrest grew. There had always been those who tried to flee her territories to one of those governed by the Light, but others had joined her, had often come to either her or Rahvin's territories when they went over to the Shadow. Now more people made a run for it, fewer people came to her voluntarily, more pockets of resistance formed and had to be put down. Ironically, it did provide her with more prisoners, but Aginor's demands were high and it was never enough.

The wanton killing of civilians hurt their cause in other ways too, especially when the attempt to open the Bore completely failed, and the War broke out. A good part of the armies was made up by Trollocs, but there were numerous human soldiers too. Human soldiers needed food, supplies, clothing, fuel, weapons and ammunition, all things produced by other people, by civilians. Without civilians, there were no supplies, and eventually the soldiers suffered for it. And of course families would get children, children who could be trained to become soldiers. Kill the families and eventually the soldiers would run out.

During the later years of the War, she watched Sammael as he provided his soldiers with the best of the best while his citizens died of famine and disease. She had once pointed out the flaw in this system, and asked him where he thought he was going to get his soldiers from ten, twenty years from now, but he had laughed it off and said the War would be long over by then. And so it was, of course, and they had lost. No wonder, between Sammael, Ishamael, Be'lal, Semirhage -she should have known better, she was a scientist too-, and Aginor's creatures, they lost as many or more to their own side as to Lews Therin and his troops.

They had lost the War, and she had been sealed in the Bore along with the others. A long, dreamless sleep, she had no memories of that period, did not notice time passing. For some it had been different, Aginor and Balthamel who had been trapped so close to the surface that they physically aged, and Ishamael who somehow managed to touch the world from time to time, although she did not understand how he'd done that, nor had he ever told her.

She herself woke one day on the hard rock of Shayol Ghul, wearing the same clothes she had when Lews Therin had struck, and only feeling vaguely hungry. As far as she knew, hours could have passed more likely than days, and she was astonished to learn it had been over three thousand years.

The Great Lord had told her little else, he never did. He had merely told her she was free again, and to serve him once more. How, had been up to her at the time.

She had gone to where people were, picked a random town and a random victim and made him tell her where, and when, she had ended up. She was aghast to find how backwards this world was, how little they had recovered in so many centuries. Learning from her victim where those who could channel were gathered -she killed him when she was done with him, so he could not tell anyone about his encounter- she Traveled to Tar Valon. A place for women only, since Saidin was tainted somehow, an interesting move that at the time she thought might mean the problem of the Dragon Reborn, a prophesy her unwilling informant had also told her about, could well solve itself. Still she needed a place to set herself up, and this White Tower seemed as good a place as any.

She was shocked once again as she saw how primitive the Tower was, and how little these barely trained 'Aes Sedai' knew. In her Age, many could channel, but only the best were allowed to use that name. Now, it seemed, anyone who could channel more than a trickle was allowed to use the title, and a fully trained sister knew less than a student in her mid-twenties should have been able to do. It was disgusting. But also convenient, since they did not know inverted weaves, did not know how to weave the Mirror of Mists. She could easily get around in the Tower itself, posing as one of the many servants, and observe until she knew enough to pass herself off as one of them.

She picked Danelle, a sister of the Brown Ajah. The Brown had only recently returned from a long absence and rarely mingled with the others. Mesaana used compulsion to make her announce plans to leave the Tower again for several weeks, and even helped her carry her saddlebags out to the stable, for the last time posing as a servant. She followed her unseen, and as soon as the Brown sister was alone on the road, Mesaana shielded her and took her to the Blight.

She had made a lucky choice. Though not a member of the Black, the young Brown had been unhappy with the way the Tower was ran, with its restrictive laws and customs. Too passive to protest openly, she had simply elected to spent as little time as possible under its roof, and that had been what had drawn Mesaana's attention, made her useful in the first place. But she was open for more. Once Danelle recovered from the initial shock at being taken by one of the Chosen -Forsaken, she had said of course- her resistance quickly dwindled. As her dissatisfaction became more obvious -it came up again and again in the woman's life story- Mesaana lessened the compulsion, simply talked in on the woman, and soon Danelle was helping her of her own accord.

Mesaana spent three weeks learning everything she could about Danelle. She learned about her background, her time as a novice and Accepted, as well as more recent things she had done while she was a so-called Aes Sedai. She learned what her favorite food was, what clothes she liked to wear, and where she purchased them. She observed her posture, habits, gestures, and copied them. Finally, she had learned as much as she could.

From the start, Mesaana had considered keeping her captive alive. No matter what method one used, no matter how eager the subject was to please, no one could truly tell everything about their entire life. There were always details skipped because they did not seem important, or were simply forgotten. Mesaana knew this, and while keeping her source alive meant the risk of escape and discovery, the gaps in her knowledge would pose a risk too. When Danelle turned out to be so cooperative, the choice was easily made. Forbidding the woman to leave the Trolloc breeding camp where they had stayed, and making sure the Trollocs knew she would be very unhappy if the woman was harmed, Mesaana left the Brown sister behind, knowing she could return at any time for additional information.

And she did so four times, when she was caught in the dining hall or elsewhere and could not avoid a sister engaging her in light conversation. Different sisters and at different times, they brought up the time her previous horse had thrown its shoe, a book damaged by a cup of spilled tea, a penance spent in Laras' kitchen as a novice, and a violent late fall storm. Each time she pretended to be distracted or busy, then the next day reassured the prying sister with a few words that she had been deep in thought but of course she remembered that time with Balder's shoe, the incident with the Theories on Air and Water, the punishment for putting salt instead of sugar into Juilaine's tea, and the storm near Chachin.

What would have happened if Danelle had not been around to ask? Mesaana didn't know, but it would have been awkward at best. People were getting suspicious by then, not in the last place because of her own efforts at putting the Ajah's up against one another, and if two or more of those who had chatted with her would have happened to wonder aloud… no, there was no need to think that, it hadn't happened. Her careful planning had prevented it.

But that was the last time she had been so careful. From then on, however much she hated to admit it even to herself, things had gone quickly downhill. She had been disgusted and irritated at what she had seen at the White Tower right from the start, while listening to Danelle that irritation had developed into full blown anger. These so-called Aes Sedai had restricted themselves in ridiculous ways. Voluntary use of the binder, how stupid could one get? Many did not even know what it did to them, apart from holding them to their Oaths. And so much knowledge had been lost!

And that is where she failed. She couldn't say why, had the long sleep inside the Bore affected her more than she thought, or was it just the anger taking control of her? Yes, they were children, but she out of all people should have known children could be taught.

She overlooked that obvious fact. Instead of seeking out those who were loyal and training them, she contacted only a few and gave them orders that were often beyond their ability to carry out. Ordered herself, by then, to add to the chaos in the world, she engineered the split of the Tower, but she discovered almost immediately she had picked the wrong pawns. Elaida jumped the gun, rushing out of the final meeting and ordering Siuan and Leane taken an hour early. Several of the Black were caught unaware, were almost captured or killed. Among them Sheriam, who had the instructions for taking control of the rebel sisters, although Mesaana had not known it at the time. Alviarin had been the one to pass on the orders down the line, the only one Mesaana really worked with. Sheriam and several others only just made it out, and in the chaos afterwards Siuan and Leane managed to get away as well, which had most definitely not been part of the plan.

Then there was the taking of al'Thor. It had been easy to convince Elaida of that idea, but the plan itself had been shoddy, nowhere near up to her usual standards. If she only had taught the sisters how to Travel, al'Thor would have been in her hands then. She had not. She had deemed these children too inexperienced to be trusted with such knowledge, and she simply had not realized how long a ride it was from Cairhien to Tar Valon, using only horses and carts. So al'Thor had escaped, freed at Dumai's Wells, and she never did get an opportunity like that again.

Elaida got further and further out of control, and instead of dealing with the woman herself, a simple matter of using compulsion, she had put more pressure on Alviarin. Why hadn't she used compulsion on Elaida, or on some of the Hall? Elaida had ignored Alviarin's orders, sent the sisters to the Black Tower which greatly annoyed Demandred, and had finally replaced Alviarin altogether.

In the meantime the rebels had made their camp nearby, and Mesaana repeated her mistakes there. She had found Sheriam, and instead of making use of the Black sister's position, or even taking the time to learn about the state of affairs at the camp and working out a solid plan, she had straight out demanded that Egwene be disposed, and the sleepweavers be delivered to her, with complete disregard to the feasibility of the orders or the safety of the woman. She could have shown her how to weave the Mirror of Mists, to disguise herself and let someone else take the blame, or she could have sent some other, whose position was of little use to her, on the task. Instead her demands could easily have caused the Black sister to be exposed, would likely have if other events hadn't caught up with them.

For then that traitor, that rotten, scheming bitch, had managed to reach Egwene right under her nose. Mesaana did not blame herself for Verin's betrayal, that had been one thing she could not have foreseen. The woman had been very clever and very careful, and even in retrospect no one had admitted to noticing anything untoward about her behavior. Mesaana herself had barely exchanged a word with her, had seen her in the halls and the Brown Ajah quarters a couple times during her brief stay but most of the time the snake had been gone from the Tower.

What had been her failure was that Egwene was there to receive the journal and the code. She'd had Egwene at the Tower for so long, she could have either killed or turned the girl without any effort. And yet she did not. Because of Egwene's age, just a girl in her own time, she had ignored her strength, her position as the rebels' Amyrlin, and her history with the Aiel, and she had simply waited for Elaida to break her. Even then, as time passed, she should have noticed it wasn't working and taken matters into her own hands, but she saw and did nothing.

_…and in the series, that means the Black Ajah was exposed and purged. However, this is ignoring the fact that the Great Lord is also called Lord of the Grave, ignoring the fact that Sheriam has some *decades* experience at not accidentally speaking a lie, even if caught by surprise, and more. I've done my best to explain Mesaana's failures -damn, it's far-fetched in places, but then of course in the official version the Light has to win. This is not the official version, and the Light can go climb a tree for all I care. Sheriam's story, where Mesaana does receive warning, will follow._


End file.
